Sunday, June 05, 2011

Unlovable but Jesus Loves

God is amazing! Jesus, his son, is amazing! The Holy spirit, the spirit of truth, is amazing!
Now I'm sure that everyone who reads my blog feels exactly the same way, of course there are those who don't believe that God has a son, but that's ok. This post I'm writing is about a few scriptures, stitched together, that have proven so true in my life. One is from the book of Luke, chapter 8 verse 16. "Nobody lights a lamp and then covers it with a basin or puts it under the bed. On the contrary, he puts it on the lamp-stand so that those who come in may see the light." The other comes from the book of Isaiah, chapter 52 verse 7. How lovely on the mountains are the feet of the herald who comes to proclaim prosperity and bring good news, the news of deliverance, calling to Zion, 'Your God is King'."
Do you remember the first time someone told you that God loves you and you really believed them for the first time. Maybe you were like me, who had been told this since I was a child, but had never really needed God's love. Maybe your parents had decided to leave religion out of your upbringing for some reason or other. Possibly they thought you were best off if you decided what to believe when you were ready.  Or maybe up until that moment you just weren't interested. Well the day I really, really needed love, someone told me that Jesus loved me and to him I was special. It had a huge impact on me and ever since I've clung to those words like a man drowning. ( Mostly in my own tears.)
Now I'm not a normal man, in fact I'm rather bizarre and the way I look at life isn't exactly conventional, as you may have gathered by my views previously published in this blog. Why? you may ask. Well I think it comes from years of isolation and rejection by my peers and a tendency to be too honest for most people. Don't misunderstand me on this, I'm not Mr Goody Two Shoes, not by a long shot. It's just that if someone asks me something I will tell the truth, even if that truth is to my detriment. So I became a loner, not by choice but through circumstance. If you don't want me around and you don't like me, that's ok I understand and won't come around you any more.
When my wife and I separated, she didn't want the children so , being the kind of person who believes you should take care of your responsibilities whole heartedly, I took custody of James, aged 2 and Shelley, aged 1. I was 25 years old and divorced with custody of two infants, still in nappies, in a country where a single male wasn't entitled to any government assistance at all. Not a good prospect as far as women were concerned.
There were quite a few times when I was interested in a particular woman but none of them were interested in taking on another woman's children, well not with me anyway. As you can imagine, having almost every woman I came in contact with reject me the moment they found out that I was a single parent, did wonders for my self esteem. I did get involved with one woman in Johannesburg and things seemed to go well. We moved from Johannesburg to Cape Town as a family, or so I thought, but within the first week of living in Cape Town she broke up with me and sent us out onto the streets. Here I was in a city I had never been to before, unemployed with almost no money, ( everything I did have was used up in the move to Cape Town) Two small children and nowhere to go. Fortunately I still had enough left to pay for a small room for one week and we moved in. The search was on for work in urgency.
At the time a company in East London, Wilson Rowntree, were looking for an industrial buyer and, since I had the qualifications they were looking for, managed to get to see the purchasing director who happened to be in Cape Town at the time. Little did I know that God was already looking out for me. Well soon after we landed up in East London, about 1600km up the east coast. Not being a local really got up the noses of the other buyers in the department where I landed up, however, since I wasn't recruited by the personnel department but by the purchasing director himself, there wasn't much they could do about it. I became persona non grata and of course being scrupulously honest in all my dealings with my suppliers didn't help things either. Geoff was, once again, alone, well not entirely, I had my kids. This went on for three years and in that time I never once got an increase in my salary and of course being promoted was out of the question.
Well I did eventually meet a woman, an American, and we started living together. This meant I had to move out of my home into a much bigger, and much more expensive house that could accommodate not only me and my children but her and her two children too. Of course money became extremely tight since my American girlfriend refused to work but at the same time demanded that I maintain her and her children at a standard that she felt she deserved. Of course I couldn't and it took about three months before she became extremely abusive and walked out. Once again Geoff had been rejected as worthless. It hit me really hard, ( please understand, despite what the media try to tell us about American women and how beautiful they are, this one wasn't). We had to move out of the house and landed up in an apartment in the middle of the city, employed but broke and once again unwanted and unloved. I went home one lunch break, while the children were in pre-school and took a whole handful of sleeping tablets. No more, I was not wanted and it was time for me to leave this world and all the good people alone, they didn't need me.
Well I lay down on the bed but after a while I started thinking about James and Shelley and what would happen to them. I couldn't do this to them, I loved them and they loved me and needed me, so I got up and went back to work. When I arrived I went to one of the other buyers, someone I trusted and told him what I had just done, he panicked. You must understand, I was not in good shape, I was crying and had just tried to commit suicide, I really didn't want to live any more but need him to make arrangements for the care of my children. Warren was his name, I will never forget you my friend. He went to the department head and they rushed me off to sick bay where I was kept under observation for a few hours. While I was there our department head came to see me and he told me I must speak to someone called "Jackie". Anyway when I finally left the sick bay I went to see him and this is what He said:
"Geoff, Jesus loves you, he really does and he will never reject you nor will he ever leave you, ever."
Now when you really, really need to hear words like that, in fact if you don't you will probably die, and someone says something like that to you, everything crumbles and the tears just flow and flow and flow.
I was so grateful, someone loved me, someone cared about me, someone thought I was worth loving and he would never stop loving me and he would never give up on me. There came into my heart such overwhelming thankfulness, I was loved.
How lovely on the mountains are the feet of the herald who comes to proclaim prosperity and bring good news, the news of deliverance, calling to Zion, 'Your God is King'.
Am I still alone? Yes I am. Am I still rejected by my peers? Yes I am but not as often as I used to be. Does it still have the same effect on me? No, things have changed. Now when I'm rejected I run to Jesus, He hasn't rejected me, not even once.
God has ignited a light within me that others look to, they see my faith and know that I'm one of His children. Anyone who is in need among those who know me, know that they can come to me at any time for help and I will give it. They look at me and see Jesus in me and how that affects my thinking and life choices. They also know that the words I speak are not my own but the words of God. Some times they get irritated with me because I keep on saying things like, "There is a scripture that says. . . . .", but they know there is no point in disputing about it, there really is a scripture that says, ". . . . ".
Jesus came to show us love and acceptance, that we are worth loving and caring about. I know from experience and I am so grateful.
Do you ever feel unlovable? I used to but someone told me that God loves me and will never leave me nor forsake me. May that light shine from me to you, in the name of Jesus, the Son of God.

8 comments:

  1. I am a bit teary eyed from this piece of your life story. You have gone through much in your life already. We ask and wonder why and how does this happen. And believing gives us peace and comfort and strength.
    I have often felt like I didn't belong or was an outsider. But we are certainly not alone, there are many, many like us.
    Sometimes others don't accept us because they need to live more expereinces and God still has lessons to teach. I find that the ones who are judgemental and hateful sometimes seem to get the bigger lessons, but they come later in life.
    I was raised catholic and always believed in God and Jesus. I married a man who was not really a believer in God or the bible, stories he said, made up by men. In fact I don't think he believes to this day. His influences were much stronger than mine with the children, I should have asked God for strength and I feel like I failed my children in that aspect. Although I am not a religious person by way of a particular faith anymore, I am very much a believer and spiritual. My children are grown and they will come around in God's time, I pray for that everyday. That they may see the light and know the truth. Then they can let go of the hate and confusion in their own lives. Meanwhile I must be patient for them and trust in God.
    With my ex it does not matter, he is responsible for his own future, that is up to God and him.

    You, dear friend,are living the word and that makes God happy. You will be rewarded tenfold. But as the saying goes, not in our time or way, but in the Lord's time and way.
    Blessings to you.

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  2. Geoff, thank you for sharing your story. I see God doing great things with you and through you. When I was rejected by my ex-husband, I was devastated--I did not know Jesus at the time, but as you said, "Little did I know that God was already looking out for me..." Such was the case with me also--I can look back and see that even though I did not know God--let alone love Him, He loved me and was taking care of me. I was loved when I thought I was unlovable! You have once again bared your soul to the rest of us, but by doing so, you truly are 'letting your light shine' to the betterment of all who stop by your 'little' corner of the world. (Side note: we keep hearing through the media here in the U.S.A. that all men in Cape Town are handsome... please don't say it isn't so!) (Couldn't help but make a joke ;D )

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  3. One Woman's Thoughts.

    We live one day at a time. God is real and so is his son Jesus. Although my story may sound very sad, this much I can say with absolute certainty, both my children know the reality of God. My relationship with them is above the normal (by today's standards) and we did indeed have a fantastic time. We learned to rely on each other and no matter what happened, there was always home and our little family. The things that both remember most clearly were the good times, like the night when the boat sank with us asleep down below or playing in the dingy in the breakers or the caves of terror and so on and so on. There are stories I still need to tell about how we depended on the love of God that will astound most people, when God let us know that we were not undertaking life alone. God is amazing and so is Jesus his son. Happy is he who leans upon God, because his love is set on me I will deliver him. Psalm 91. Trust him in all things and you will see for yourself.
    God bless you my friend, Geoff.

    Joy,
    sorry, I was working on it, you know what I mean. "I was loved when I thought I was unlovable." This is a hard thing to accept, even today. Anyway as far as men in Cape Town being handsome is concerned well, how can I tell, I'm not a woman and to tell the truth, I have no I idea what that handsome means. I'm handsome, but my mother told me that more than 30 years ago. Personally I don't notice men, only women. Hey I'm a man. Stereo types, who needs them anyway? God bless you my other friend, Geoff.

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  4. Just teasing you, Geoff. I can't help but try to get a giggle out of nearly everything. Have a great day!

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  5. Geoff, Thank you for sharing your testimony! I was deeply moved. I am so glad you are a light to the world (for your community and for the blogging community too). Blessings to you.

    The Write Soil
    1st Writes

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  6. I am so moved by your experience, Geoff.

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  7. Joy.
    I know. Thanks you too.
    Dawn.
    Hey life goes on and tomorrow always brings a brighter future. The past is over and done with and thirty years later I'm still here, it all turned out for the better. Thank you Lord.
    Burbette.
    Ag, Ek's n Suid Afrikaner, wat kan ek se? We South African men are tough. Hey, even being bitten by a cobra couldn't take me out. I have Jesus to look after me now.
    God bless you all my friends, Geoff.

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  8. What a wonderful testimony. I love hearing how people come to know Jesus and I praise God for saving you.

    I too am a very upfront person but over the years God has taught me to pray before I speak and I find out that often it is preferable for me to stay quiet and not say anything especially if I sense the person I am talking to won't understand where I am coming from.

    These verses lay in my heart...

    Ecclesiastes 5:2-3
    2 Do not be quick with your mouth,
    do not be hasty in your heart
    to utter anything before God.
    God is in heaven
    and you are on earth,
    so let your words be few.
    3 A dream comes when there are many cares,
    and many words mark the speech of a fool.


    Blessings Geoff, I am glad to meet you.
    <><

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