I'm sitting here wondering how to put into words what I've been going through lately and what I've come to understand about God's love.
I suppose that the best place for me to start is with today and kind of work backwards from there. You know, plan backwards.
Right now I have to acknowledge that I'm dealing with the consequences of my actions over the past few years and before that too. I'm unemployed again, without someone to love or someone to love me right here. Of course there are people that love me, I know that but when you are sitting alone or lying in bed at night there is a loneliness that comes over you that lets you realize just how isolated you really are. I'm sure there are many many single women in the world that know just how true this is. There is however a presence that will never leave me, the presence of Jesus who whispers, " It is not me that has brought this on you, it is what you have done to yourself. You know in your heart what is right and what is wrong but instead of trusting God and doing what you know to be the right thing to do you do things to yourself that cause you to leave the presence of god and go wandering off into areas that mess up all that God has been doing in your life for you. Trust me and stop doing all those stupid things that lead you astray and just accept my love like you once did, I do love you you know, I always have and always will."
I didn't used to drink but about two years ago a bar/restaurant, Nev's Place, opened on the farm where I live and it wasn't long before I landed up falling in love with the owner/bar lady, Diana. Well I used to go in there and sit with her patrons but because I didn't drink like the rest of them they started to mock and belittle me which is very unpleasant to say the least. Anyway in order to get around that I would have a drink just to satisfy them and to counter their jeers, well as you can imagine over a period of more than two years this became a big problem for me. I found myself sitting alone and drinking more and more. I would get home from work and head straight into the bar for a drink and only leave when I ran out of money. When the bar finally closed down, which was about three months ago, I would go home and drink alone, sometimes a whole bottle of brandy in one night. I was in a bad state and becoming more and more despondent. A little while ago I decided that enough was enough and this is why.
Diana too had fallen into the same trap that I had and she too had become an alcoholic. There was one thing that I noticed about her that came as a bit of a surprise since we were not dating and never had, she was following me! That's when I decided to make a change and clean up my life completely. Maybe if I stopped drinking again she would follow suite and maybe if I cleaned up the other areas of my life she would clean up hers, not for my sake but for hers. Has she followed suite? I really don't know, I hope so. I've only seen her once since, while sitting in her car across the road, we spoke but it was early morning and she was on her way to see her mother who is in hospital and I was trying to find an Internet cafe' and our conversation was brief.
Love is a very powerful thing and it is not governed by the laws that we consider to be real. When a man loves a woman and a woman loves a man it's as if the forces of the spiritual realm take over and pass on messages that are not bound by reason or the physical. There have been times in my life when people I've been thinking about, people I love, have called or come to visit or have had an urge to be with me times when I've felt very down and someone I've loved or someone who has loved me has contacted me and told me that they are worried about me or have asked whether I'm OK. My ex wife Susan is one of them as is Marie an ex girlfriend of mine or Toni my sister and so on and so on, even Diana has called me at times like this, completely out of the blue. Do I still love Susan or Dolores or Marie or Debbie or Heather or Mary or Anna or any one of my numerous ex girlfriends or my sister Toni or the rest of my family? Of course I do, love will never come to end for there are three things that last forever, Faith, Hope and Love but the greatest of them all is Love (1 Corinthians 13 v13.) and yes I do still love Diana even though my friends and family think I'm crazy as do her friends think she's crazy too.
Divorce and conflict doesn't necessarily break the bonds of love, only the bonds of trust and approachability. King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines and he loved them all and they loved him too. I'm inclined to wonder what happened when he was feeling down, there were no cell phones or postmen in those days that I'm aware of. Can you imagine a thousand women descending on one man to comfort him, a bit crowded wouldn't you say? King David also had concubines who after Absalom had had intercourse with them in public put them under guard; he maintained them but did not have intercourse with them thus he was no longer approachable it was his wives who would have comforted him when he needed it. The love of a woman in a mans life is probably the second most important thing he has, the love of god being first.
My sins have built a wall between God and myself but hopefully now that I have repented he will be gracious to me and restore me. I know that God doesn't willing afflict us but his discipline is there for our own good because he loves us. Jesus says " Take the log out of your own eye so you may see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother's."
Do you know that it was always the women who worshiped Jesus and if you read the gospels it was the women he loved, Martha, Mary, the widow in Nain, the woman at the well, the woman who washed his feet with her tears and so on.
God loves women and has a very special place for them in his heart.
GOD BLESS THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD.
There are many things that I still have to straighten out in my life that I have never revealed to anyone else and I am probably the most guilty person I know when it comes to sinning so to all those who actually know me I would like to take this opportunity to say I'm sorry. To Susan I would like to say that I know that you still love me but the chances of me moving to the UK are slim, unless God has other plans that is, and to all the women in my past that have shown me love I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, I really didn't deserve it.
May God bless all my friends on the net.